I Married A Drama Queen
But Now I Want Her To Cut The Act
The Situation
Milton came from a loving stable family. He married Linda who had been in many abusive relationships and was emotionally scarred. He thought that lavishing Linda with love would make her happy. But, Linda continued to be unhappy and manipulative, creating fake illnesses to gain attention. She spent years perfecting her sour attitude and controlling behavior, poisoning her family. Now, not even their kids want to deal with her.
Milton’s View:
With the passage of time, Milton has seen his children blossom from babies to productive, successful adults. He is a proud grandfather, great husband and father, and was an outstanding provider for his family. As a retiree, Milton envisioned a life of peace and happiness. He carefully planned his future so that he and his wife, Linda, could enjoy their “golden years.”
When Milton met Linda, she was a “wounded soul,” so to speak. She had been in an abusive marriage that lasted briefly. You could say that Milton was her knight in shining armor. Coming from a family full of love, Milton embraced her with the compassion he had received all his life. However, Linda never really seemed to appreciate his love and more often than not treated Milton with little respect (i.e. verbal/physical abuse).
Linda’s flair for colorful language and emotional distance was a burden she put on her children. She was a stay-at-home mother who chose not to partake in social events or extracurricular activities. Linda also made it difficult for her children to foster their own interests and would hinder their social progress with her secret weapon– sick spells.
Linda has had some sort of physical malady since the day she met Milton and has used this to her advantage. Whenever Milton or the children would attempt to partake in any sort of activity, they were always met with one of Linda’s medical emergencies, which usually required trips to the emergency room. As a result, their social activities were always foiled. Over the years, her antics increased, placing a strain on the family.
The children are distant, and Milton has now developed high blood pressure. Milton has no desire to abandon his marriage. He merely wants harmony within his family and for Linda to gain insight into her behavior.
Linda’s View:
Ask Linda how she is doing and her response is usually something of this sort: “I’ve never been sicker today than I have been in my whole life!” She is almost always near death. Truthfully, Linda does experience legitimate health problems (i.e. hypertension and high cholesterol) and is under a physician’s care. She has been plagued by non-life threatening medical issues since before she was thirty and tends to wear her medical problems like a badge of honor.
Naturally, experiencing a multitude of health issues at a young age will foster a great deal of care, concern, and attention from family and friends alike. Because Linda seems to “never” feel well, it has now been difficult for her loved ones to discern whether she actually is experiencing legitimate health crises as they arise. As a result, Linda’s family (her children in particular) has not been as attentive to her physical complaints as in the past. This lack of attention makes Linda feel sad and uncared for.
Linda feels unsupported by her family and believes that they could all do more to accommodate her emotional needs. Her response to these perceived slights has created tension among Milton, the children, and herself. In addition to directly expressing her discontent, Linda often partakes in telephone crusades which, unfortunately, involve family bashing. Linda discusses her feelings with neighbors, church members, her siblings, or anyone willing to listen. Regrettably, Milton and the children are often the last to know that Linda is angry at them and have often been confronted by the recipients of Linda’s complaints.
Linda also threatens to divorce Milton and permanently distance herself from the children when confronted about her misbehavior. She feels justified in the manner in which she punishes her family for being inattentive to her medical crises and has difficulty acknowledging her wrongdoings.
Dr. Myrna’s View:
There is a perfect one-word description for Linda– psychosomatic. Although Linda really does experience health issues, she has used them to her advantage. Linda is seeking attention and has done so in the worst way. She uses her illnesses as a means of control. Although Milton remains loyal, her children are fed up and no longer give in to their mother’s crises.
It was probably very easy for Linda to engage and triangulate her children early on because she had the power to do so. Basically, Linda was able to manipulate the children and gain their sympathy because they were, at one point, totally dependent on her. However, as they matured, married, and had children of their own, their own families took precedence over Linda’s so-called illnesses. As well, the children gained insight into the nature and intention of their mother’s self-styled crises and eventually became less attentive.
The problem with crying wolf one time too many is that doing so will eventually make the intended targets insensitive. Linda has an overwhelming need for attention. What was once a successful tool of control has become ineffective and compels Linda to desperation. The sick spells now increase in frequency and intensity.
The underlying problem is that Linda lacks something. For a woman who seemingly has everything (i.e. a loving husband, children, grandchildren, etc.), she seems to be missing something deep within that causes her internal misery. Therefore, attempting to control her family appears to be the only means by which Linda feels secure and powerful. Unfortunately, Linda’s behavior has driven a wedge between her and the family.
Without fail, Linda will experience medical emergencies at the most inopportune times (e.g. moments before a family gathering, someone’s birthday party, when Milton is walking out of the door to go fishing with a buddy). If the focus is not on Linda, look out. She will become “very ill” during an event. What is even more unfortunate is that Linda’s attention-seeking behavior has developed into a serious psychological disorder.
Linda experiences what is called Somatization Disorder. This is defined as the presence of physical symptoms that suggest a general medical condition that is not fully explained by a general medical condition, by the direct effects of a substance, or by a mental disorder. Her health complaints have occurred over a period of several years and have ultimately resulted in a significant impairment in Linda’s social functioning. Linda has been hospitalized, examined, re-examined, and medicated to no avail. According to her family, she has had unnecessary intrusive, exploratory procedures to rule out specific medical conditions.
Although Linda experienced and overcame health issues early in her life, she began to negatively associate attention/affection as a by-product of being ill. The end result has been a “by any means necessary” approach to seeking the attention of her family that could someday be to her detriment. Taking unnecessary medications and/or undergoing unnecessary medical procedures could eventually prove fatal for Linda. She must stop this behavior.
| Wow! Linda has unnecessary medical procedures in an attempt to get her family to pay more attention to her. |
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